emotional fireworks...

I'm a sucky for fireworks... i LURVEEEE fireworks... as in my previous post, i'm in a super down mood contemplating between relationship and friendship... so friendship i already leave it as it is cuz like mr. ka lei said, let it be... moreover, what he/she wanna do is none of my problem, so why do i care so much?? so i'm not gonna touch on that topic since i dont wanna care adi...

you know, in new year's eve, i was kinda excited that i could see fireworks... well i believe most girls love fireworks but i think i'm those HYPER IN LOVE with fireworks... i remember the 1st year that i "paktor" with my boyboy, we went to sunway lagoon to watch fireworks... imagine i was like standing right below the fireworks when it starts to errrr.... "ka-boom" right above our head!!! it was like the fireworks is soooo big and its soooo beautiful and then the one you love is right behind you, enjoying the fireworks together with you... then u lean your head on his shoulder while he hug you from behind, his arms around your waist, both enjoying the fireworks together... it was soooo nice and romantic...

but the following year until 2006 new year's eve, you are only able to see the fireworks from far far away since the place that has fireworks are so jammed up... but this year new year's eve, you wont be able to see even the smoke of the fireworks... reason?? my bf got sick on that day and we gotta stay home... imagine he was sick and was sleeping, while i'm online surfing net till at 12am, u heard there's a lot of fireworks happening around you... then you were saying to urself, well i didnt get to see the fireworks its ok, but at least my boyboy is right beside me... so while you were saying those words, you were facing the monitor, then you turn around, hoping to hug your boyboy... but when you turn around, he was snoring and was sound asleep, then suddenly, you can feel your eyesight being blurred with tears... dun ask me why, but out of a sudden, i feel so sad, i heard the fireworks, i wish i was there to enjoy it, i saw him sleeping. know that he's sick, i'm sad for him... sighh... i'm not blaming him for not able to bring me to see fireworks, i just felt sad that the fireworks i love so much, i wont be able to see it....

then today, while i was driving to his house, out of the blue, i saw fireworks!!! the fireworks though is far but its so beautiful!! but again, i dont feel happy at all, non of the excited feelings that i used to feel when i see fireworks, no smiles on my face when i see fireworks, no happy feelings in my heart at all.... instead, all i can feel is that my heart is crying, bleeding, and a feel of my heart being squeezed by a hand so hard that you thought your heart has stop pumping...

imagine you feeling that and you wanted to cry, cry so hard that you wanted to let all your sorrow go away with the tears that were flowing... but too bad... my eyes could not even drop a single tear, not even watery at all when u rubbed it, forced it to have at least a small drop of tear...

then u heard a song from "The All-American Rejects - It Ends Tonight" and finally, the tears are there on your eyes till you can hardly see any car in front of you... so what makes me cry?? what makes the tears there? cuz my belated uncle which i love dearly suddenly came to my mind... he's been gone for 1yr+ leaving us all sad and regret for not spending enough time with him... i miss him so so so much that i can hardly control myself... and so i cried... but what did my uncle got to do with me and the relationship that i was confused about? i dont even have a clue... maybe in a way, i'm like my uncle, both of us are afraid of telling the truth of how we felt, of what really is on our mind, of our opinion towards something...

so i'm learning to express myself more... i'm still learning... and i did express more of how i felt ever since my boyboy urged me to do so... but still.... one way or another, i'm still holding myself back............. but i believe when i'm with him, i feel more at peace, i feel that i can tell him everything, cuz sometimes i think that he knows me more than i know myself...